Headline News
I enjoy writing and I do hope to someday be published somewhere (actually anywhere, anywhere at all). But as much as I would enjoy being paid to write stories, there is a job I might enjoy even more: headline writing. That looks to me like a really fun job.
One need only a quick glance at the New York papers to appreciate how much fun a headline writing job could be, as they appear to take particular delight in creating theirs. When Tom Brady of the New England Patriots was accused of deflating game footballs, The Post went with:
Ball Busted
And the Daily News opted for:
Kicked in the Balls
See what I mean? They aren’t exactly classy, but they are definitely fun. The fun is the important part for me. What could be more fun than coming up with this gem from the Hartford Courant?
Police Find Stolen Fish With Pantsless Man
That one used to be my favorite. By the way, everyone knows that pants are optional when stealing fish. Sometimes the headline writers get it wrong. Really wrong. I wouldn't want to be the guy at the Chicago Tribune, who in 1948 approved this one:
Dewey Defeats Truman
As we know from history, he most certainly did not.
Naturally great headlines begin with great stories. And since many of those stories stem from the incredibly stupid things that people do, there is a never-ending supply of headlines to be written. In other words, not only can you not make this stuff up, you don't have to.
I don’t count the headlines at the supermarket that blather on about the latest Kardashian crisis (like a broken nail) or Elvis being abducted by aliens (or worse, by a Kardashian). To me those cannot compare with things like this recent story with the headline:
Getting Drunk and Chasing Bears is Strongly not advised, Police Warn
Clearly this is excellent advice, but I do wonder if the warning implies that it’s okay to chase bears as long as one is sober.
Lately, I’ve found that no one is having more fun than the headline writers over at the Huffington Post. The police blotter alone would make for a full time job as a headline writer. Some of my recent favorites include:
Suspect arrested in spite of spray paint disguise
Imagine the thought process: “I could go with a fake mustache and glasses, or spray paint. Yeah, spray paint.”
Or this one:
Cops follow trail of Macaroni salad straight to robbery suspects
These guys were clearly not on the way to a MENSA meeting. Perhaps if they’d used spray paint disguises?
Poo Light Special: Woman Accused of Defecating in Kmart
Because, where else would you go? And this:
Dick Masturbates in Tickle Creek: Cops
This was actually about a guy named Dick.
I can just imagine the headline writer jumping for joy over that one.
Body parts often find their way into headlines, especially, you know, “those” body parts.
Pregnant woman hid 89 heroin packets in vagina: police
89? How big are these packets? Never mind, I don’t want to know.
Man’s penis “snaps” during sex
Ouch.
Just, ouch.
Sometimes it’s not body parts but bodily functions that make good headlines. Witness these two from the state of Florida:
Florida proposes “stand outside my loo” law.
The Straight Poop About Florida's Public Defecators
This could lead to a new Florida tourist slogan: “We don’t worry about climate change but we care deeply about shit.” (Florida it should be noted is a nonstop source for absurd headlines). The list goes on. Want more bodily functions?
Flight reportedly forced to land because of “smelly poo.”
Was this something that happened after someone was standing outside a loo? How about some nudity:
Man who stands naked in doorway not breaking any laws: Police
Nude motorist arrested after video goes viral
You can see how much fun it could be to write these headlines. Because I find them so amusing, I keep a list. The list is not in any particular order and as I mentioned earlier, the pantsless fish thief used to be my favorite. But my new favorite is possibly the best headline ever. It has everything, including an undergarment, some violence, some crime, and a weapon of sorts. This too was in the Huffington Post and it went like this:
Bra Wielding Burglar Thwarted by Woman Wielding Ceramic Chicken :Cops
Although I do love the headline, it's also the reason I’ll keep writing my stories, because if I were only a headline writer, I could never in a million years top that. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to steal some fish.
