Adventures in Screenwriting

In addition to random tales from my life and other snarky observations, I also do some screenwriting. Like a lot of my writing, the screenwriting has been somewhat sporadic but over time, I have managed to complete a variety of scripts. Unfortunately writing the script is only half the battle. To borrow from Yogi Berra, the other 90% is getting someone (where “someone” is defined as a person not related to you) to read the thing.

I’ve been lucky enough to not only get some of my work read, but I’ve even gotten some positive feedback. And while I have yet to make a sale, I have had, as the title implies, a few screenwriting adventures. I probably should have added:

“A Cautionary Tale” or “Things Not to Do” to the title but they were  definitely adventures.

The first screenplay I ever wrote was called “Alvin and the Meter Maid.” It was a comedy about a guy who gets framed for murder and then enlists the help of a meter maid to clear his name. It was a decent first effort and meter maids, who through no fault of their own, are ordinarily universally despised, probably would have loved it. Of course I had no idea what to do with the script when I finished it, so my great work of art took up residence in a drawer.

It was still in the drawer when I found myself working on a series of commercials for Tostitos. There were several celebrities featured in the spots, including an actress who at the time was a regular on a well-known television show. I spent a little time with her over the course of the shoot and it occurred to me she was perfect to play the part of the meter maid. Back then I didn’t know any better so I told her about the script. To my surprise, she was intrigued and she asked me to send it to her. When the shoot was over, I did just that. That surprise was nothing compared to what happened next. A few weeks later she called me to say she loved the script and wanted to know when we would shoot. I stammered my way through a lame explanation about not having the money to shoot and that was that. The script went back in the drawer.

Although I did feel validated by her enthusiasm, it was also a big lesson for me. If that were to happen today I’d have an entirely different approach. But that was then.

The next adventure began with something I’d read (and ignored) in countless screenwriting books. Namely, when you approach an agent, it’s a good idea to have a stack of scripts rather than just one. Or you can follow my example, which went like this.

Despite once being mistaken for Jerry Seinfeld at the World Series (which you can read about by clicking here:

I’d never actually seen his show. When I finally did see it, the show about nothing had already been on the air for some time.

Right away I thought, “I can write that.”

I got my hands on an actual Seinfeld script so I could mimic their format and I hammered out a spec script. Naturally, upon completion, I stuck it in the drawer.

And like before, this one was still in the drawer when I found myself again on the set of a commercial. I happened to mention the script to one of the production assistants, who as it turned out, was very good friends with the owners of a literary agency in Los Angeles. She agreed (after reading it herself) to pass the script on to her friends. Just like that I bypassed the whole Catch 22 system of getting an agent to read a script. What’s more, they actually read it and liked it! But by then, Seinfeld was winding down and I still remember almost word for word what came next.

“You really nailed the characters voices.

We don’t want to represent this script right now, but what else do you have?”

And I had nothing. The meter maid script was still in the drawer but I was sure it needed a rewrite and nothing else I’d written was polished enough to send out. So another lesson was learned, the books were right and another opportunity was lost.

There have been other adventures. I co-wrote a kid’s adventure script with a friend. We wrote and rewrote and rewrote some more until finally, it was ready for the drawer.

The friend made some connections. We somehow got it to a few people including someone with a deal at Disney. They all said the same thing. “It’s really a cute script.” Unfortunately, this is the equivalent of “lets just be friends” and that script ended up back in the drawer.

My most recent adventure involved an old friend who’d already made one independent film and was looking for a script for his next project. I sent him one of mine and he decided that was the one. We agreed some rewriting was in order and after some discussion I hit the keyboard. Things went well at first. But eventually it was obvious that we were interested in telling different stories. I wished him well and withdrew from the project.

The list goes on. I wrote a script called “Memory Man” about a guy who has a perfect memory. It was a departure from my usual comedic efforts and it had great potential. Unfortunately it’s been in the drawer for years. Recently I noticed that mega-famous author David Baldacci has a new book called Memory Man. It’s about a guy with a perfect memory. Gee, if only I’d thought of that…

You might think that these so called adventures have discouraged me from further attempts. You’d be wrong. I’m actually working on a new script now. When its finished, I’ll add it to the drawer. I might not ever sell it, but I have no doubt that there will eventually be some adventures associated with it.

I’m sure that will also be the case with the one after that and so on.

And maybe one of these days, I’ll even sell one.