Houston, we have a problem...

After the last few days, it’s tempting to hammer out a few words about either Ron Johnson or Joe Manchin, two people with a collective IQ of 47. And I would do just that if I weren’t still stuck on a couple of recent trips in the news, so those two idiots will have to wait their turn. 

The first trip was Ted Cruz’s ill-advised jaunt to Cancun. I admit when I first saw the photo of Nacho Cheese Ted, my initial reaction was that it was a case of mistaken identity.  Even Ted Cruz can’t be that dumb I thought.  Texas was in the middle of a once in a century crisis, surely he wouldn’t think a vacation was a good idea. But as it turns out, Ted Cruz really is that dumb. And shameless too. More recently, he had the nerve to joke about the trip in his remarks at CPAC. Remember, nothing is funnier than Texans without water and electricity.

None of that surprised me. But after it finally dawned on Tequila Ted that taking a tropical vacation while the people who voted for you are literally freezing to death has incredibly bad optics, and he hurriedly rebooked his return trip, here is what did surprise me. They let him back into the country. I was thinking this was our big chance to get rid of him for good.  Tragically my dreams were crushed. Of course, frequent flier Ted’s dreams were crushed too. His chances of getting to the oval office have likely plummeted, although, if a tape of a candidate bragging about assaulting women didn’t keep that other guy out, then abandoning your constituents during a natural disaster might not either.

Meanwhile, the other newsworthy trip had absolutely no dumb people involved, no dream crushing, and there was definitely no hastily rebooked return flight.  As Cancun Cruz was jetting back to Texas, no doubt frantically rehearsing the lie about his daughters asking to go to Cancun, NASA’s Perseverance spacecraft was landing on Mars. For me this was by far the more interesting trip. You might not think that watching a bunch of scientists watching their computer screens would be must-see TV, but I was riveted. I really wanted this mission to succeed and I found myself worrying about the people on my television, people I’d never heard of before. While I had no trouble watching Ted Cruz’s dreams get crushed (okay I enjoyed it), I would have been devastated to see those scientist’s dreams end in failure.

I’ve always had a fascination with space. I remember watching Neil Armstrong’s historic walk on the moon on television. Of course in my memory it was the middle of the night, but Google informs me that it was closer to 11pm. I suppose for a nine-year-old, 11pm is the middle of the night. Ever since then, I’ve been interested in anything having to do with space. Whether it was Star Trek, Star Wars (I like them both), or any of the countless Sci-Fi novels I’ve read, the final frontier gets my attention every time.

But I can’t say I was interested enough that I ever wanted to be an astronaut. I don’t think I’m smart enough for that. Of course, I never wanted to be a US senator either but I am definitely smart enough to know that a trip to Cancun while people in the state I represent have no electricity or water is a terrible idea. 

I think the closest I’ll ever get to space is in the picture above. That’s me acting as a stand-in on some commercial eons ago. The length of the shorts and the fact that it's from a polaroid should tell you just how many eons.  While I won’t get to space, it did occur to me that perhaps old Teddy should have booked himself a trip to Mars instead of Cancun. Sure, the beaches on Mars aren’t quite as nice, the Martian atmosphere is mostly carbon dioxide, and the average temperature on the red planet is -81°F (which is coincidentally the exact temperature of Ted Cruz’s heart), but on the bright side there would be little chance of anyone snapping a photo of Mr. Cruz wheeling a suitcase through the Martian airport. Not only that, once on Mars, there’d be no orange asses to kiss which might be a relief to Cancun Ted after 4 years of debasing himself back on Earth. Plus, on Mars he could run for president of not just a country but of an entire planet. Although I suspect NASA might find Martian’s coming out of whatever it is they call the woodwork on Mars to vote against Mr. Cruz. On the other hand, if he did manage to eke out a win, since a Martian year is equal to 687 Earth days, Ted’s four year term would last 7.5 years on Earth. That sounds like bad news for Mars, but definitely a bonus for those of us here on Earth.

But alas, Cancun Ted did not go to Mars.  If I had to guess I bet he’s either somewhere in Texas mingling with unmasked Texans (thanks Greg Abbot you moron), or perhaps in Washington plotting another insurrection. So whether we like it or not, the Earth is stuck with him a little longer, unless of course, his daughters ask for a trip to Mars. And in that case, I kind of hope he takes Johnson and Manchin with him.