One of my great disappointments in life is that time travel has not yet been invented (another is that I don’t own my own tropical island but that’s another story). Not only has time travel not been invented now, they haven’t figured it out in the future either. I know this because if it had been invented, my future self would have surely paid a visit by now and so far no older versions of me (a frightening thought) have appeared at my door. I suppose it’s also possible that in the future, time travel does exist but it is too expensive, or too physically demanding, or maybe just too hard to pack for.  Even if that were the case, it seems to me that at the very least, a letter from the future would be nice, although given the current state of the postal service, it’s likely that a letter from the future might not arrive until, well, way into the future.

Time travel is on my mind partly because I’ve always had a fascination with it, but also because it’s my birthday (Happy birthday to me!) My birthday usually brings about a bit of self reflection, which in turn leads to thoughts like, “if I knew then what I know now”, which then gets me to time travel, which as I’ve said does not exist. But what if it did? What would a letter from my future self look like? 

Dear Younger Me,

First of all, let me assure you that you’re going to be okay. You’re going to have an interesting life. You will laugh a lot, fall in love, and eat a lot of ice cream, although to be honest, not nearly as much ice cream as you’d like. Beyond that there are a few things you should know.

First, there are no flying cars in the future. For some reason, we’re working on cars that drive themselves, possibly because we’re too lazy to drive ourselves (even our toilets flush themselves now), but so far no one is zipping through the skies in a Ford Focus. Just so you know, you’re going to spend a fair amount of time stuck in traffic fantasizing about flying cars. Second, there is no colony on Mars. Remarkably there are remote controlled cars there, but none of them are Ford’s either.

I can’t be sure when you’ll receive this, the time travel post office being what it is, and I don’t have the time, energy, or memory capability to give you a day by day accounting of what lies ahead. Also, I, or you (time travel grammar is tricky) are very busy in the future. But there are a few things you should know, so listen up.

Hopefully this letter will find you at a very young age, although honestly, I don’t know what to tell you about elementary school. You’re going to be a skinny buck-toothed kid and you’ll just have to get used to it. Unfortunately, middle school will be more of the same. But just before middle school begins, you should skip that camping trip at the end of the summer. Otherwise you’ll crack your skull in a bike accident (helmets are years away), spend six days in the hospital, and miss the beginning of sixth grade. It will not be fun. Also, later on in middle school, the science teachers will assure you that in no time at all, you will all be switching over to the metric system. You won’t. This is an early opportunity to scoff at something and you should take full advantage of it. By the way, you will become an excellent scoffer. 

When you get to high school, in Spanish class, try to pay more attention or even just some attention. The thing of it is you’re going to wish you spoke Spanish many, many times over the years, and not just on the cat food commercial you’re going to shoot in Mexico. Plenty of other times too. So pay attention.

When your senior year rolls around, skip the prom. I won’t go into details here. Just suffice it to say, if you go, it’ll give new meaning to the word “awkward.” You won’t be scarred for life but 40 plus years later, there is a chance you’ll still be writing about it. 

Also in high school, the animated beer-can movie you make will be the beginning of your film production career. Do try to keep track of the cassette tape the sound track is on though. There is a good chance you’ll lose it while working for the production company on Brannan street in San Francisco. And when people tell you cassette tapes are the future, it’ll be another chance for you to scoff. In a few years, you can also scoff at Beta and then VHS too.

Toward the end of high school, you’ll get a job in an ice cream shop. When you drive home, don’t take the long way home. I know you prefer it but one night as you come over the hill on Middletown road, a drunk driver will be in your lane coming at you. You’ll narrowly avoid the head on collision but he’ll still hit your car. You will suffer a minor scrape on your knee but your car will be totaled. The drunk will be arrested and your stepfather will encourage you to fake an injury, which of course, you will not do. All of this can be avoided by staying off Middletown road. Also, at the ice cream shop, eat more ice cream.

After high school, you will not go to college right away and that’s okay. I wish I could advise you to change that, but it’s too risky. Take a class or two somewhere in that first year, or don’t. It doesn’t matter. Whatever you do, just make sure you get yourself to Oakland, California. You need to be in the Eats and Arts Deli in February of 1980. Don’t screw this up. The woman you’ll marry is in that deli. The two of you will have lots of adventures and two kids which is probably better than two adventures and lots of kids. Get to that deli! It’ll be the best thing that will ever happen to you.  

When you finally do go to school, make sure you take that screenwriting class at City College. You and the professor will become lifelong friends and you’ll even learn a lot about screenwriting. But when you finish that Associate's degree, figure out a way to transfer to San Francisco State and finish up. If you don’t you’ll regret it and eventually write about that too. Speaking of writing, you should think about taking more writing courses. Also stop thinking about writing every day and just do it.

The good news is that your career in film production will take you all over the world. But when you shoot in Australia, try to stay for a few extra days. You’ll miss shooting that interview with Orlando Bloom in Los Angeles (also on your birthday!), but come on, it’s Australia!  Overall you’re going to meet all kinds of famous people but the best people will be the crews you work with. Many of them will be like family and they are going to be the most creative people you’ll ever know.

Both of your kids will be born prematurely. They’ll be fine and you’ll get a lot of mileage out telling people that the ninth month of pregnancy is overrated. Also, you should know that both of your kids are going to be smarter than you. A lot smarter. And they’ll be great kids.

You’re going to move across the country in 1979, again in 2001, and yet again in 2021 (and probably in 2041 too). Moving is hard but your film production skills will help you get through it.

In 2016, a buffoon will be elected president of the United States. You’ll be stunned but you’ll get through that too. But many people won’t. In 2020 there is going to be an awful pandemic and the buffoon will downplay it, lie about it, and recommend that people inject bleach to get rid of it. Ignore the buffoon (about everything, not just the bleach) and do take this thing seriously. 

In 2017, that slight chest pain you have is because you have some blockage in your arteries. So when the doctor recommends a cardiology visit, go right away. You're just going to have to skip the second half of the Bill Murray shoot (which really sucks for you because it’s going to be great fun!) It’s just too risky to be running around with blocked arteries, even if it’s with Bill Murray. The good news is that a little angioplasty will clear the blockage. But I highly recommend you get better about diet and exercise.

Of course I could go on, I am from the future after all, but it’s getting late here and the attention span of most people in the future, myself included, has shrunk to the size of a postage stamp (which by the way, the time travel post office no longer uses), plus it’s time for some ice cream so I’ll be signing off now. I’ll just leave you with three more things.

1. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to get to that deli in Oakland.

2. Time really does fly. Try not to waste too much of it.

3. Keep scoffing.

Respectfully,

Your future self.

PS.

Next time I write, I’ll try to include some winning lottery numbers. Happy Birthday!