After Congress finally got around to passing Covid relief, my first thought was wow, what will I do with my new found wealth. Technically my first thoughts were more along the lines of “it’s about fucking time” and “where the fuck were you months ago?” That gives this essay two fucks, which is two more than the number of fucks the Republicans in Congress, especially a certain senator (hint: his name rhymes with McDonnell) really gives about the American people. I do suppose they have been busy. Between all that time they spend trying to steal the election (that would be 126 House Republicans whose names rhyme with masshole) and the time spent rolling up their sleeves to get the vaccine for a pandemic they’ve spent months ignoring, it’s a wonder they made time for any legislation at all. 

The important thing is they pulled it off or more accurately, they thought they pulled it off. The ink was barely dry on the 5600 page bill when the oval office occupant, who has also been busy auditing a class (Conspiracy 101) and binge watching Newsmax when he probably should have been packing, decided to weigh in on things. The soon to be ex-president thinks the agreed upon stimulus of $600 is far too low. He believes $2000 is a better way to go which puts me in the somewhat awkward position of having to say he’s right and I agree with him. I’ll admit, that was a tough sentence to type. But it is a good idea. If only someone had thought of it sooner, say back in May, which coincidentally is when Senators Sanders, Harris, and Markey proposed that very thing. Sigh.

Like me, the Democrats found themselves for once in agreement with the lame duck himself. But House Republicans,  the rhymes with masshole bunch, have already defied their feckless leader and shot it all down. So we may or may not even get $600. I’d put my money, if I had any (which I don’t you fuckers), on not getting a dime.

But if I’m wrong, and $600 magically appears in my account, the question is what will I do with all that money? Fortunately I have options galore. I could use it to pay next month’s mortgage for instance. Although, technically, unless the bank agrees to forgive the balance, I’d actually be paying not even two weeks of mortgage but who’s counting? I’ll tell you who is counting. The bank. It’s what they do.

$600 could also put a lot of food on the table. But that would involve going to the grocery store, which as you may have noticed, is increasingly dangerous. Plus, because I’ve now squirreled away enough food to feed a small choir for a month or two, I might not need to shop again until possibly Arbor Day (don’t tell me you don’t know when Arbor Day is). Also, please know that I am not, in any way, encouraging choirs of any size to drop by for dinner.  Still another option would be to put gas in my truck. But I got gas last month and with all of this sheltering, I don’t expect to need gas again until possibly Flag Day (Hint: that’s in June).

The patriotic thing to do would be to take that stimulus money and invest it in something like a new automobile factory.  I don’t know a lot about cars and in reality I can barely drive one. But I think I can still say with a high degree of confidence that the price tag on a new plant would be just a tad higher than my $600. So much for patriotism.

With all my other ideas falling by the wayside, there seems to be only one thing to do. I’ll go to lunch. Somewhere in those 5600 pages of stimulation is a provision to allow corporations to deduct 100% of their lunches, also known as the three martini lunch deduction. Naturally I’ll be incorporating just as soon as I can come up with a spiffy corporate name. Then me and my spiffy name will go out to lunch (I know, I know). That is, just as soon as it’s safe to actually do something like that. Although I must admit I’ve never been much of a martini guy and it is likely that sometime after my third martini I might require hospitalization. But I suppose if that’s what it takes to stimulate the economy, I’m willing to do my part.

Meanwhile, as I write these words, Congress has gone home and the occupant has jetted off to Florida. Stimulus checks of any amount are up in the air and likely to stay there for the foreseeable future. The thing is 2020 has been for me and a lot of people, a very tough year, so I’ll take anything I can get. But just think of all the lunches those of us at JVibes, Inc. (not all that spiffy of a name) could buy with $2000.