As the saying goes, “Spring is in the air.” Baseball is back; Yards are being groomed; Warm weather clothing is moved to the front of the closet while winter wear is banished to the rear. And in our house, we’ll make another attempt at installing a sliding screen door. Technically it’s not the installation that gives us problems. Anyone with at least 4 hands, a screwdriver, and a modicum of intelligence can do that. We’ve got the hands, nearly a million screwdrivers, and plenty of intelligence (honest).   It’s after the installation, when our door is gliding back and forth on its rail, that our problems begin.

Once the screen door appears, the cats pictured above, who are indoor cats, have only one goal: to become outdoor cats. Don’t let those adorable faces fool you, they are diabolical (technically the one on the left is diabolical and the other one is just along for the ride). After their efforts, last year’s door became a misshapen heap relegated to the dump.

Moments after the fresh air came wafting in, the cats clawed at the door until it opened just enough to squeeze through.  That victory was short lived however, as they were captured by the same 4 hands (no screwdriver required) that put the door in to begin with. I refused to be outwitted by creatures with far smaller brains so installed a hook and eye latch half way up the door. If the cats could speak, they would have likely said, “Really?” And that would have been uttered just before they climbed up the screen and unlatched the door. Then my bigger brain (becoming debatable) and I installed another hook and eye with a spring loaded latching system. Not even these two could escape open that lock. This was actually true. But when a cat (the diabolical one on the left) picks and claws the door until it literally comes off the rails, a spring-loaded lock is not really a concern. After that there was no fresh air wafting for the rest of the summer. Final score: Cats 1, J Vibes 0.

There’ve been other battles with creatures both big and small (mostly small). One year, in an effort to be nice to the birds, we installed a bird feeder. The birds were thrilled but as you can see in the picture below, so were the squirrels. You’d think that since my brain is definitely larger than a squirrel’s (Oh come on, it’s at least double the size!) that I could easily outwit a squirrel. I thought so too.

Instead of using the stand in the picture, I hung the feeder from a rope thrown over a branch. There’d be no squirrels climbing up a stand on my watch. And there weren’t. Instead there were plenty of squirrels gleefully sliding down the rope to feast on the bird food before returning to their nest to laugh at the feeble minded (and yet larger brained) human below. My subsequent attempt at replacing the rope with thin fishing line had the same result: well fed squirrels laughing in their nest. Final score: Squirrels 1, J Vibes 0.

Last winter, while sitting quietly in my World Headquarters (also known as the basement), I heard movement above me in the ceiling. Clearly a mouse (but it’s never a mouse, it’s always mice) had gotten in. Fortunately my brain is much, much larger than that of a mouse (No, really, it is!). I baited a standard mousetrap with peanut butter and waited. A day or so later, I checked the trap expecting to find an expired, very small brained mouse. Instead, I found the trap, still ready to snap shut on an unsuspecting mouse, but with every drop of peanut butter licked clean. I listened and I’m quite sure I heard the sound of mice (with apparently larger brains than I thought) laughing. I reset the trap, this time taking extra care to embed the peanut butter. The next day I discovered a curious thing. The trap had been sprung but there was no mouse in it. However, lying next to the trap was a dead mouse! Perhaps it had been scared to death? I’ll never know. Final score: J Vibes 1 (and then later, 2, remember there is always another one), Mice 0.

So far this year’s screen has held firm. The combination of another spring-loaded latch and a sturdier (also more expensive) screen door has kept the diabolical one and his brother inside. So for now, victory is not quite in hand, but so far, spring really is in the air, and it’s wafting right through our front door.