Henchmen

Recently, I wrote a story about my love of the old Batman television series and it's impact on my career. If you missed that stellar piece of prose, you can read it here. 

http://www.jeffvibes.com/therandomvibes/2017/2/24/batman

Its likely not a good sign that my world view is apparently shaped by fictional characters on a sixties television show. Nevertheless, as I was writing, I found myself thinking not just about the Caped Crusader, but also about all the crazy villains and their absurd schemes to take over the world, beginning of course, with Gotham City. The villains, I realized, never worked alone. All of them, the Joker, the Penguin, and even King Tut, had henchmen to help them realize their nefarious dreams. Come to think of it, the James Bond villains had henchmen too. So then I began to wonder, as I'm wont to do, who are these henchmen and where do they come from?

I ask because it occurs to me that with a few henchmen, I could be a lot more productive. Not that I have world domination on my to do list (not yet anyway), but I do have an endless supply of things to do with only a finite amount of time in which to accomplish them. That’s where the henchmen come in.

Most of the henchmen I’ve seen all wear a uniform of sorts so that they all look the same, much like for instance, the employees at Wal-Mart. Here it should be noted that I am in no way equating Wal-Mart employees with henchman. Although, since there seems to be a Wal-Mart almost everywhere, it just might be that Wal-Mart is already on it’s way to world domination. Naturally my own henchman would be provided with some sort of Vibes henchman uniform. I’m thinking maybe T-shirts with my smiling face on the front, and on the back, I’d go the NASCAR route and sell ad space. I’d even be willing to add some STP to whatever it is that STP gets added to. Better still, I could have one of my henchmen do it!

Of course, that’s assuming I can find some henchmen. You’d think there are scores of unemployed henchmen sitting at home, probably with Mrs. Henchman, scouring the want ads for work. However, after a quick check of Craig’s List, I’ve discovered that not only are there no henchmen offering their services, there are also no henchman jobs currently available.

This is surprising because you’d think there would be a high turnover rate, what with constantly being thwarted by super heroes and all. Even Linked-In offers no promising connections for henchmen, although to be fair, has anyone, anywhere, ever gotten a job through Linked-In?

This puts my whole plan in jeopardy. I’m sure if I had a team of henchman, or is it a band of henchmen? A swarm? How do henchmen travel? Let’s see it's a pack of wolves, a pride of lions, a herd of antelopes, and a gaggle of geese, there must be a word for a group of henchmen.  I suppose if I ever do get some henchmen I can have them research that right away.

As I was saying, once I have henchmen, there'll be no stopping me. At least, I think there won’t. I’m a little worried about the skill level of the average henchman, or more accurately, the lack of it. From what I can tell, there are no special skills required to be a henchman other than the willingness to blindly follow the orders of a cartoonish villain bent on global domination.  Beyond that, I’ve also noted that for some henchman, the ability to drive a Penguin Mobile does come in handy.

While I have no such vehicle (not yet anyway), I do think my henchmen might need to be a bit more advanced. For instance, I plan to assign dinner to one of them so clearly any henchman working for me needs to have some cooking skills. Ideally, the henchmen would also take on the lawn care, the laundry, and with any luck, the bathroom remodel. I’m also wondering, if I get a henchman to exercise for me, does it still count?  One can only hope I suppose. Anyway, with all my newfound free time, I’ll either write more or perhaps work on my own nefarious plan for world domination.

It seems like lots of people could use a henchmen or two. So it might be that I’m approaching this from the wrong angle. After all, hiring henchmen might be somewhat complicated. I’m suddenly imagining the paperwork involved, the payroll taxes, the workman’s comp, the benefits (how much sick leave do you suppose henchman get?) and so on.

So instead, I’m thinking I can hire myself out as a henchman. Admittedly I’m kind of so-so on the blindly following orders thing but I do have a few special skills (I can cook a little) and I’m a fast learner.  Plus I think driving a Penguin Mobile might be fun. So remember, if you need help with your schemes, nefarious or otherwise, give me a call.  Yes, I’m sure this is a great plan and if it doesn’t work out, I suppose I can always get a job at Wal-Mart. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to add Henchman to my Linked-In profile.