Blame, Inc.

The traffic jam was entirely our fault. Not that anyone cared. In this case, blame was irrelevant. The jam was on an incomplete and closed section of a freeway in San Francisco, and we were shooting a commercial for Meow Mix cat food. In the spot, a man and his coworkers are stuck in traffic when his cell phone rings. Of course it’s his cat, asking for food. Who else would it be? I’ve included a link to this amazing piece of cinema below. It’s worth watching just to see the size of the phone.

With our traffic jam in place, we were about ready to shoot. And that is when the DP (Director of Photography) asked the art department for the flame bar. When placed in front of a lens, just under the frame, a flame bar creates those shimmery waves that make a traffic jam or a desert look even worse. But the art department had no such bar. The DP claimed he’d asked for it well in advance and the art department counter-claimed this was the first they’d heard of it. Fingers were pointing and tempers were flaring (although not enough to create shimmery waves). That’s when I stepped in. I said, “The DP did ask for it. He definitely told me, but I forgot to pass it on. So it’s my fault. Now what can we do about it?” Once the blame was out of the way, we got on to the business of solving our problem (ultimately we used a huge light) and everyone was happy.

I heard later that I’d gained a lot of respect from the art department for coming clean about my mistake. Overall that experience reinforced my belief that in the moment, it’s usually better to own up to a mistake and focus on solutions rather than worry about blame. There’s always plenty of time to assess blame later. Too often I think people are more interested in pointing a finger (especially in an effort to save their own skin), than in fixing a problem.

With that in mind, I’ve decided to go public with my new business venture, “Blame, Inc.”     At Blame Inc., for a nominal fee, we take the blame while you move on to the solutions. Were you late for work? That’s on us. Forgot your anniversary? That’s our fault too! Didn’t do your homework? We’ll take the blame. No matter the problem, whether you’ve spilled coffee on your boss, or inexplicably called two straight passing plays in the Super Bowl when even taking a knee could have kept you in field goal range, Blame, Inc. has you covered.

To date, we’ve only opened one office, which is not so conveniently located in a certain Connecticut basement. However, expansion is on the horizon, and I’m pleased to announce that Blame, Inc. now has plans to open a branch in Washington.

After all, with the exception of Harry Truman, who famously said, “The buck stops here”, Republicans and Democrats alike have been blaming each other for everything under the sun since the beginning of time. In fact, Washington just might be the finger pointing capital of the world and the current resident of the White House, might be the one who needs our services more than anyone.

The buck no longer stops at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and now actually, goes nowhere near there.  After falsely accusing Barack Obama of wiretapping his evil lair, the finger-pointer-in-chief next blamed UK intelligence for the alleged caper and then put the blame for starting that rumor on his friends at Fox News. It would have much easier to put the blame on us and would include the added advantage of not causing another diplomatic incident.

When the raid in Yemen went badly, he pointed his finger (a really tiny one) first at his predecessor, then eventually at his generals. When a reporter called him out for lying about the size of his Electoral College victory, rather than take responsibility, he shifted blame saying, “Somebody told me that.”  The Un-President is big on blaming others for almost everything and when all else fails, he blames the media. Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, is his fault.

This is a trait that could make him our best client at Blame, Inc. and by blaming us, he might then have time for other things, like golf (don’t get me started). Naturally our fees would have to be on a sliding scale. For example, the fee for accepting blame for denting the company car is much lower than the fee for say, lying to the country about certain ties to Russia. Fortunately, after saying he wouldn't, the tiny-fingered blamer apparently is taking a salary (another thing he could blame on us) so he can afford it.

Now, as for the fee for treason (purely hypothetical of course), if you read the fine print, you’ll find that Blame, Inc. unfortunately cannot take the blame for anything illegal. We also cannot be responsible for “Batman vs. Superman”, but everything else is on the table.

I hate to admit it but it’s important to point out that there is an alternative to using Blame, Inc. as a scapegoat. You (and the Un-President) could simply own up to your mistakes. You might get to a solution quicker plus gain the respect of the art department. But if you’re not capable of that (like the guy on Pennsylvania Ave.), then call now. Operators are hopefully standing by. If not, that’s definitely our fault. We look forward to taking responsibility for your mistakes. Remember, once blame is assigned, you can get on with your life and get to the important things, like solutions, or golf.