All I Really Want For Christmas
After careful consideration, I’ve decided that all I really want for Christmas is an alter ego. Most alter egos it seems, spend a lot of time fighting crime, dispatching bad guys, and generally saving the world. While I’m not opposed to fighting a little crime, I’d kind of prefer the crime to be something that does not involve bullets, like jaywalking. Overall I think the more dangerous crime fighting is best left to Clark Kent, Bruce Wayne, and George Clooney. Come on, if anyone has a secret, crime fighting alter ego, it has to be Clooney.
As everyone knows, the first thing any good alter ego needs is a name. With Superman taken, and both Batman and The Hulk somewhat inappropriate, I’ve been wracking my brain for options. My first choice was “Beer Man.” I like to drink beer and I’m really good at it so it seemed a good fit. But then I had visions of beer vendors in stadiums being hailed, “Hey beer man!” So “Beer Man” was out. Similarly, Pizza Guy was a no. Eventually, I realized that many alter ego names are derived from a super power. Unfortunately, despite looking everywhere, I could find no radioactive spiders in the house. In fact, there are no spiders at all. Any insect in the house is immediately hunted down and gobbled up by the two cats whose super power appears to be insect radar.
Despite flying in many dreams, my inability to get airborne during my waking hours eliminates “Anti-gravity Man” from contention. Besides, “Anti” sounds so negative and I’d like to think my alter ego would be a glass half full kind of guy. And while it’s true that you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry, I don’t get angry enough for a Hulk like transformation. This is a good thing, as I definitely could not afford the cost of constantly torn clothing. Batman has no super power but he does have a really cool utility belt, which makes me wonder, why he isn’t Belt Man instead? Apparently his lair is in a cave filled with bats. There are no such creatures in my lair, also known as the basement, and even if there were, the afore-mentioned cats would no doubt hunt them down and gobble them up.
So with no super power to speak of, and consequently, little hope of a name, I’ve been thinking about the other necessity for an alter ego: the costume. The obvious choice for many an alter ego is tights and a cape. Although I think I might have the legs to pull off the tights, I live in Connecticut. Anyone who runs around in only a pair of tights in the dead of winter (although not this winter) in Connecticut could only be called “Moron Man.” The form-fitting suit that Spiderman wears also seems wrong for me, unless of course, I went with “Beer-Gut-Man” which of course, does not sound so good. Plus, I’ve always wondered, what happens when old Spidey has to pee? Since the usual costume options are out, I wonder there is room in the world for an alter ego in sweat pants?
Assuming I can ever get this name and costume thing down, I do have great plans for my alter ego. In addition to fighting crimes like jaywalking, littering, and the occasional overdue library book, my as yet unnamed alter ego will be busy doing all the things I don’t want to do. While the alter ego is busy with grocery shopping, snow shoveling, and getting a colonoscopy, I’ll be free to write more, read more, and finally get into shape.
The more I thought about this idea, the more I liked it. But when I ran it by my wife, she thought I didn’t quite understand the alter ego concept. What you need, she explained, is a clone. Tragically, before I had time to consider the idea, she went on to say that the last thing the world needed, was another one of me.
So I’m back to square one. I can only hope that I’ll awaken on Christmas morning to find that Santa (now there is an alter ego!) has come through for me. If so, jaywalkers everywhere had best beware. And if there is no alter ego under the tree, well, I could also use some socks.
