Although we know people who have home schooled their children, when our kids reached school age, we decided education was probably something best left to professionals. The same can be said of plumbing repairs, but that’s another story. But somehow when it was time to teach the eldest boy to drive, despite the proximity to several fine driving schools, we inexplicably opened the Vibes Home Driving Academy.   In doing so we learned two things. First, it turns out there is a lot to be said for driving schools. After all, they spend entire days doing nothing but teach people how to drive, which means they have a definite plan of just how to teach people to drive. Meanwhile at our house, it was more like, “Hey I need to get groceries so how about if you put down the video game and drive all five miles to the store?”

And then for me, those five miles would end up being white knuckled, heart-stopping miles filled with near-misses, potential lawsuits, and a sudden belief in a higher power. You may think I'm exaggerating here (okay I am maybe a little), but it brings me to the second thing we learned, which is that one of us is much, much better at teaching driving than the other. And the one who is not good, not good at all, is me.

When the older boy started driving,  at first we used my truck, which had a great stereo but also a manual transmission. Some 400 stalls later, we decided to amend the curriculum and instead use the Subaru wagon, which boasted a not so great stereo but did have an automatic transmission. Consequently there were a lot less stalls (about 400 less) and ultimately a lot more driving.

Despite the lack of stalls, sitting in the passenger seat while the eldest was driving had me craving Tums (the fruit flavored kind, not those awful chalky tasting ones). That’s not to say he was a bad driver. On the contrary, he was actually a good driver. But, my nervousness made him nervous and eventually Mrs. Vibes, did most of the teaching.

That scenario played out again when the younger boy, or as I like to call him, lead foot, began driving. You wouldn’t think that a thirteen-year-old Subaru could go from zero to ninety (at least what felt like ninety) in less than three seconds but you’d be wrong. Again, my nervousness in the passenger seat, where I could often be heard saying, “Stop, STOP, STOOOOPPP!” led to increased nervousness for the driver. Fortunately Mrs. Vibes stepped in again and did most of the teaching.

Had we thought about it, we would have had her do all of the teaching from the outset. She was actually the one who taught me to drive a manual transmission years ago back when cars had just been invented and that obviously went well (really it did, I hardly ever stall). In any event, thanks mostly to her tutelage, and despite my nervousness, they both actually learned to drive. Unfortunately, through no fault of their most excellent teacher, they each failed their first test. Predictably, the younger boy drove too fast. The man at the DMV was incredibly nice (didn’t see that coming did you?); He pointed out a few things to work on and suggested warp nine might not be appropriate for a side street. A few weeks later, lead foot passed the test on his second attempt. Remarkably, in the three years since, he’s only gotten one speeding ticket.

The older boy didn’t take his first test at the DMV. His parents, the operators of the Vibes Home Driving Academy, opted to take advantage of one of the local driving schools who offer testing. On the appointed day, the testee was first asked to back into a parking space. Although he’d done it many times, the testee went ever so slightly up onto the curb before settling into the spot, at which point the testee was informed by the tester he’d failed and the test was over. In other words, you got the first question wrong, so you fail, have a nice day. A few weeks later, the eldest boy and his mom made their way to the DMV for take two. On the way, they discussed the test and, realizing that he’d done most all of his driving during daylight, his mother explained (from the passenger seat), how to turn on the lights. Unfortunately, in a brief moment of not thinking (I believe the scientific name for it is brain fart), she gave him the wrong information. Which is how during the pretest vehicle safety check, when the boy was asked to turn on the lights, the wipers came on. After pulling, pushing, and turning a variety of levers, buttons, and knobs, the boy was forced to admit he didn’t know how to turn on the lights. Fortunately his lack of automotive knowledge was more than made up for with his gift of gab. He explained how previously whenever he’d driven at night, the lights simply came on (as many cars now do) and how his mother had given him bad advice and so on. The new tester took pity on the testee and the test continued to great success. To recap, if you barely hit the curb, you fail. But if you don’t know how to turn on your lights, well here’s your license.

The overall lesson here is that some things (plumbing for sure) really are better left to professionals. Fortunately, despite the home schooling approach, both boys have turned out to be excellent drivers and even more fortunately for the rest of the driving public, the Vibes Home Driving Academy is now closed.