Last week, my neighbor and I were discussing what used to be Harry’s lawn. By that I mean it used to belong to Harry and also it used to be a lawn.  Unfortunately the grass that Harry labored over with loving care has withered away and is now mostly dirt. “If Harry were dead,” I said, “he’d be rolling over in his grave.” But Harry is not dead. He’s living in Florida and no doubt fawning over whatever constitutes a lawn in the sunshine state.  

Since Harry really would be horrified at the current state of what used to be his lawn, I wondered, what is the equivalent of “rolling over in one’s grave” for someone who isn’t yet actually in a grave?  Then it occurred to me that whoever it is that comes up with these sayings (otherwise known as the sayings guys) needs to get on this right away.

I just hope they do a better job than they’ve done on some of the other sayings, many of which seem to involve desert. How often have you heard someone say, “it’s as easy as pie”? Do they mean eating pie? Because that is easy. Unless it’s a berry pie, then you have to be careful (On a mostly irrelevant side note: the best berry pie on this or any other planet can be found at the Sweet Life Patisserie in Eugene, Oregon. I highly recommend it). But if they meant something is as easy as “making” a pie then that’s another thing altogether.  I’ve made pies. No really, I have. And it is not that easy. For one thing, unless you put in the perfect amount of water, you’ll end up with a terrible crust and let’s face it, pie is nothing without a good crust. So, “easy as pie,” I don’t think so.

Perhaps you prefer cake over pie? You’re in luck, the sayings guys have tons of sayings involving cake. Instead of “easy as pie” you could go with, “that’ll be a cakewalk.” A what? Not sure what a cakewalk is? No worry at all. Go with, “it’s a piece of cake” instead. For me though, the one that really takes the cake (see what I mean?) is, “you can’t have your cake and eat it too.”  It’s not that I have anything against cake, although in our house, we’ve long eschewed birthday cake and instead opted for birthday ice cream. My problem stems from the very concept of both having cake and eating it. One could argue that having it and eating it is essentially the same thing but that to me is splitting hairs. (Yet another side note: splitting hairs?  When does one ever need to split a hair?) To me the issue is simple. What is the point of having a cake unless one is going to eat it?  Imagine a nice slice of cake (preferably carrot cake) sitting on your counter. Now imagine some friends come over for dinner. As they hand you the really expensive bottle of wine they brought (as long as we’re imagining things we may as well go big), they exclaim, “Mmmm, is that desert?”  Sadly you respond with, “no that is just something we have, we would never think of eating it.”  And that is ridiculous; the whole point of cake is eating it.

It wouldn’t surprise me if the sayings guys weighed three hundred pounds. Clearly they are obsessed with not only desert, “he is one tough cookie” (yuck) or “the proof is in the pudding” (in which case I’ll pass on the pudding), but with other foods as well. “That guy just doesn’t cut the mustard” is a way of saying someone is not good enough. Does anyone actually cut mustard? It seems like if your mustard needs cutting, perhaps you’ve had it a bit too long. 

You should also remember that if you spill some of that mustard you’re cutting, or the cake you’re having or eating, you needn’t worry because “it will all come out in the wash.” Except it won’t. I don’t know who does the laundry for these guys but it clearly isn’t them. As we all know, there are some stains that will not be coming out in this or any other wash.

It’s also clear the saying guys don’t get out much. When a situation is getting worse, people often say, “it was all downhill after that.” Shouldn’t that be uphill? Downhill is easy. Whoever came up with that one must live somewhere flat, like Kansas.

I’m beginning to think the sayings guys have been at it too long and I don’t have a lot of faith they’ll come up with a living version of “rolling in your grave.” Perhaps it’s just a “pie in the sky” idea anyway. Of course I have no idea what a pie would be doing in the sky, but I can tell you that if I ever figure it out I’ll be as happy as a clam.  And why are these clams so happy? Who knows? Maybe they somehow have their cake and eat it too.