Designated Driver

Apparently not satisfied with becoming a verb in the English language, Google is now getting into the car business.  And we’re not talking about just any old car; Google is hard at work on a “driverless” car.  That’s right, “driver” with “less” on the end of it, as in, no one at the wheel.  We shouldn’t be surprised that someone is working on a self-driving car.  After all, now that we’ve perfected the self-flushing toilet (Was it really that hard to flush people?), isn’t the self-driving car the next logical step?

Now, on one hand, I suppose there are advantages to such a car.  The self-driving car does not get drowsy after too much Thanksgiving turkey, it never gets distracted while talking on the phone, and of course drunk driving would be a thing of the past.  Also, unless the car happened to be using Apple’s map software, it would likely not get lost.  Despite those benefits, I do have some concerns.

To begin with, Google?  Really? Shouldn’t we leave this to the car companies?  Toyota and Audi are also working on the driverless car and that makes sense.  At least they have some experience putting wheels on a product.  And while both Toyota and Audi have been working with combustion engines for years, Google’s only experience until now has been with a search engine.  In other words, you don’t see Chevy coming out with a new web browser anytime soon do you?

I also wonder, where does one sit in the driverless car?  If my car is chauffeuring me around town, shouldn’t I get to sit in the back?   And if I’m in the back, shouldn’t my car open the doors for me?  You can bet Cadillac will get on that one right away.  Come to think of it, if I’m not at the wheel, do I need to be in the car at all?   When I run out of beer, can I simply send my car to the liquor store for me?  Can I have it pick up a pizza on the way home? 

Those are questions that will eventually need answers but they pale in comparison to the potential legal issues surrounding the driverless car.  The term “no-fault insurance” will have a whole new meaning.   I can envision a brand new round of Geico commercials involving the Gecko lizard and the invisible man.  Naturally, driverless-cars will require a variety of new laws.  Don’t think for a moment there won’t be lawyers who specialize in representing your car.  And if your car cannot afford an attorney, well, you know the rest.   It should come as no surprise that Nevada, where almost everything is legal, has already legalized driverless cars.  Of course they have.  I doubt my home state of Connecticut will be so quick to allow such a thing.  Connecticut, who finally last year made it legal to buy alcohol on Sunday, was one of the last states (the 49^th) to allow cars (the ones with drivers) to turn right on red.  Flying cars will be legal in Nevada (if they’re not already) before driverless cars are permitted in Connecticut.

I’m sure I’m not the only one with a concern about driverless vehicles.  For instance, New York cab drivers, who would face sudden unemployment, might not share Google’s enthusiasm.  And the Teamsters union might have something to say about the concept.  Although it is possible the Teamsters might embrace the idea by either unionizing driverless trucks or simply insisting that a driver who is not actually driving be paid anyway (You gotta problem with that?).

Meanwhile, if the commercials are to be believed, there are already cars available that seemingly park themselves.  The cars on television do a wonderful job of getting into a parking space.  Of course, those cars are pulling into what can only be described as “the best fucking parking space ever.”  I’d be more impressed seeing those same vehicles work their way into a Volkswagen sized spot on a San Francisco hill with a line of impatient cars (with or without drivers) blasting their horns to get by.  In fact, the more I think about it, I don’t really need a car that parks itself so much as car that can actually find a parking space.  No matter who builds that one, I’ll be all in.