Recently a company that I've worked for many times in the past opted to hire someone else for an upcoming job.  I took the news rather well, assuming of course, that swearing loudly at one’s cats can be construed as taking something well.  Although I was disappointed, the truth is that things like this happen in the freelance world and I was quite sure the earth would somehow continue to spin.

I assumed that my replacement is good at what he does and would most likely do a fine job.  I know very little about the replacement with one exception.  When the phone rings, while most of us simply answer with "Hello," the replacement apparently picks up the receiver and says, "Go."

It seemed I'd been replaced by the “go” guy.  Again, I took the news well.  Just ask my cats.  Eventually, I began to wonder if perhaps this “go” business was yet another trend that I’d somehow missed.  After all, as anyone will tell you, I’m not exactly Mr. Hip.  Translation:  I still listen to the Stones.  For all I knew, “go” was the new “hello.”

I decided some research was in order so I dialed up a number of friends to see how they answered their phones.  I learned two things.  First, either no one answers their phones anymore, or second (and much worse) unfortunately, no one wants to take my calls.  A lesser man may have been discouraged but I persisted until finally, someone answered the phone and I’m happy to report that when they did, the word “go” was not used.  Technically it could be argued that “go” would be a wildly inappropriate way for Wilson Pizza to answer their phone but I was so thrilled that someone answered at all, I simply chose to overlook this fact.

After consuming a most excellent pizza it occurred to me that I was going about this the wrong way.  I realized that before I could be critical of the “go” guy, I needed to walk a mile in his shoes.  Since I had none of his shoes and the chances of actually obtaining a pair seemed unlikely, the only thing left was to try his “go” approach myself.  I turned to my phone and waited.  Again I learned two things.  First, my phone doesn’t ring a whole lot and second, when it does ring, it is almost never a human being on the line.  While I’m convinced the automated CVS computer that calls regularly to remind me about one prescription or another doesn’t care how I answer my phone, somehow, even when I knew it was a machine on the other end, I couldn’t quite bring myself to answer with “go.”

I wondered if perhaps “go” wasn’t for me so I considered some alternatives.  “Speak” was a possibility but of the few calls I receive, none seem to be of the canine variety so “speak” was out.  “Shoot” made the list.  But it sounded too much like I’d spilled coffee while answering the phone and then said, “shoot!”  I thought about a non sequitur approach but even the CVS computer seemed confused when I answered with “mushroom omelet.”

With nowhere else to turn, I sought the advice of my teenage kids.  At least I tried to, as my kids are seemingly unable to answer their phones and instead respond only to texts.  Naturally, my texting of “go” was met with an immediate response of “???”  at which point I decided to give up (but not before texting them “mushroom omelet” just to mess with their heads).

In the end, I guess I’m just not a “go” guy and until I can come up with an alternative, I’ll have to live with the risk of less employment.  All of this explains why, if you should happen to call there is an excellent chance you’ll be greeted not with “hello” or even “go but with “What the fuck do you want?” instead.  On second thought, that’s not going to work either.  The search goes on.  I wonder if I should ask the cats?