I make my living as a Producer and Assistant Director on commercials, infomercials and movie publicity shoots.  Over the years I’ve worked in faraway places such as London, Prague and Australia.   I’ve worked with lions and tigers and bears (plus an elephant, a snake, and a herd of sheep), the occasional athlete, and a long list of celebrities.  Right now you might be thinking this sounds pretty glamorous.  I get that a lot but the reality is, it’s not.

That’s not to say there is no glamour at all in my business.  Recently a good friend of mine attended the DGA (Directors Guild of America) Awards and rubbed elbows with a bunch of A-list celebrities.  He wore a tuxedo to the event, the one from his closet.  Unfortunately, there is no such item in my closet. I am however, totally prepared for any event involving shorts and t-shirts.  Glamour it seems eludes me.  My career, if anything, has been the antithesis of glamour.  As proof I offer up the following examples.

Early in my career, when I was a PA (production assistant), I was often tasked with driving the production truck to and from the set.  This truck contains everything from walkie-talkies to the tables and chairs for lunch and was also the truck, in those days, where all of the garbage ended up.  Whoever was driving the truck was responsible for dumping that garbage.  This usually involved stealthily finding a dumpster behind a supermarket, tossing the trash bags in and driving off at top speed.  Already one can see how little glamour there is in that job.  One night, before we had a chance to drive away at top speed, we were caught.  Which is how I found myself along with another PA, inside the dumpster, where there is precious little glamour, taking the trash out.

Another low point on my personal glamour scale occurred while shooting on a ranch in Los Angeles.  The ranch was home to a variety of animals including some dogs, some cattle, and a few llamas. The llamas, specifically the incredibly loud noises they make while mating, are the key to this story.  In the middle of an interview with a well-known actress, the llamas decided to “get busy.”  We dispatched a PA to look into the situation but there was really nothing to be done.  Although unable to convince the amorous pair to stop, the PA, who will no doubt include this tale on a blog of his own someday, did manage to upload a video of the llamas to YouTube.  Meanwhile, the rest of us could only wait and listen for the action to stop.

The llama story pales though when compared to my all time least glamorous experience in the film business.  This one occurred while scouting locations with the technical crew.  After riding around in a van assessing various locations for shooting, a few of us needed a ride back to our cars.  One of the crew, let’s call him “Joe”, offered to give us a ride.

I rode in the back with the location scout and the gaffer rode up front with Joe.  The ride began amicably enough.  We talked about the upcoming shoot and told war stories as we inched our way through rush hour traffic.  Eventually the traffic became a problem for Joe as he suddenly announced his increasingly urgent need to “relieve himself.”   At the next light, Joe jumped out of the car, ran around to the passenger side, opened the door, and shoved the unsuspecting gaffer into the driver’s seat.  The light went to green and we were off.  Joe then grabbed an old Starbucks cup from the cup holder, dumped the remaining coffee out the window and used the empty cup, with all of us in the car, to, well, create the least glamorous film experience I’ve ever had.  Moments later he was dumping the new contents of the cup out the window, which of course created the least glamorous driving experience the car behind us has ever had.

I suppose there is always the possibility that I’ll someday have the opportunity to write about a glamorous experience or two.  Until then I’m grateful for the wealth of material that my rather “unglamorous” life has provided although I do admit to viewing Starbucks in a slightly different light.