“Today Show” host Matt Lauer recently had a bike accident involving a deer (sometimes you just can’t make these things up). Afterward Mr. Lauer required surgery and his publicist issued a statement that he was “doing well and expected to make a full recovery.” It is not known how the deer is doing presumably because the deer does not have a publicist of his own. Yet. These days, with the advent of Facebook and Twitter, everyone seems to feel the need for publicity.

I was thinking about all of this while riding my own bike. True the bike is a stationary one in my basement where I have yet to spot any deer, but I suppose stranger things have happened. After all who would have thought Matt Lauer rode a bike, let alone in a place where he’d encounter a deer? Anyway, I realized if some accident were to befall me, I would be left to issue statements on my own instead of focusing solely on my recovery. With that in mind, as I carefully dismounted (keeping a sharp eye out for deer of course), I came to a decision. I need a publicist.

Previously I haven’t needed a publicist because, let’s face it, I haven’t done much of anything that needs publicizing. I’ve had no surgery to recover from and the occasional hangover is hardly worth issuing a statement over. Especially when that statement would probably sound something like this: “Jeff Vibes has a headache the size of Nebraska and is gobbling Advil like M&M’s. He is however expected to completely recover from last night’s over indulgence and vehemently denies all rumors concerning a moose and a cello (that he most certainly did not steal).”

Even if I ever thought I did need a publicist I’ve never wanted one. This is because I’ve actually met some of them and they are not happy people. They rarely smile and seem to find something wrong with most any situation. As an example, after being handed a check for several million dollars, most people would be ecstatic, but a publicist would likely complain about the color of the ink.

Publicists can be handy to have around though. Who better to have at your side than someone who apparently knows everything about everything? I remember once a major movie star and his publicist arrived for an interview and the publicist took one look at the lighting, screwed up her face and dismissed it as terrible. Who knew that publicists were also cinematographers? Never mind that the cameraman who had lit the set had over twenty years of experience and had forgotten more about lighting than the publicist would ever know. She was sure she knew better. Amazingly, after the cameraman fiddled with some lights but actually changed nothing at all the publicist was appeased and the interview was on. Naturally if the roles were reversed and the cameraman had suggested some changes to her latest press release there would have been hell to pay.

Despite these drawbacks, I still believe I could benefit from a publicist’s services. With a publicist of my own on the job I have no doubt I could probably double the readership of this column (bringing the total to twenty-four). Beyond that, my publicist would be ready to issue vitally important statements such as “Jeff is picking up his kid from baseball practice” or “come on everyone, dinner is ready.” What’s more, while everyone else is Facebooking or Twittering, I would have someone to do it for me. With the time saved I could then accomplish even more things (like cleaning the garage) that would of course need publicizing. This in turn would lead to still more free time and so on.

Overall, this sounds like a win-win situation and I plan to have my publicist issue a statement saying as such immediately upon being hired. The only question is what will I do with all of that free time? The obvious answer is to get my bike out of the basement and go off in search of deer. Don’t worry, if you’re at all curious about what happens next, we’ll be issuing a statement soon.