Outsourcing Me

I am frequently unemployed. It’s not that I can’t keep a job but rather the nature of my career as a freelance producer that leaves me sometimes between jobs waiting for the phone to ring. During these “down times” (or as some people say “vacations”) I’m often asked what it is that I do all day. The implication is that I’m home watching “All My Children” while simultaneously consuming huge amounts of potato chips and bean dip. Nothing could be further from the truth. To begin with, I don’t even like bean dip; and with kids to be shuttled, dinners to be cooked, and countless errands to be run, when I’m not working I am the busiest unemployed guy I know.

So busy that I’ve often thought if I could only get paid for being me, I’d never have to work anywhere else again. Sound absurd? Think about it. Being me is a job that few if any people would want, so that automatically makes being me a highly specialized career for which I am uniquely qualified. After all I have almost 49 years of experience being me and no one can top that.

I suppose there is a chance that someone else could attempt to be me but I still maintain that few would want to. I can also assure you the interview process for such a job would be quite rigorous. It would most likely include an exhaustive background check (one not conducted by the Obama administration vetting team) as well as a written exam. Applicants would be required to write an extensive essay on the merits of the designated hitter rule. This is of course a trick question as we all know the designated hitter rule has no merits and is a travesty that should be done away with immediately. Those who managed to get through the written test would then be subjected to an oral exam that would make a Senate confirmation hearing resemble a second grade math test. Questions would include but not be limited to: State three witty responses to the phrase “Have you been working out?” and “How many writers does it take to change an ink cartridge?” That’s another trick question as everyone knows that changing an ink cartridge always requires a trip to Staples as it seems that whenever ink runs out there are no ink cartridges to be found anywhere in the house.

Only after undergoing this thorough screening process could someone actually get the job of being me. This is a job that currently doesn’t pay very well but does come with some excellent benefits including an amazing wife, a nice house and two semi-amazing kids. Applicants should note however that the afore-mentioned amazing wife might not be so thrilled with this arrangement and that hazard pay will not be provided.

In theory, after I’ve outsourced being me I would then be freed up to do some of the things I can’t find time for now such as travel in Europe, wash my car or finish a thought. Unfortunately I would most likely want my family along for the European tour and if my family were with me then there would be very little for the hired me to do. The obvious solution would be to outsource even more people to be my family and thus free up my actual family to spend time with actual me. This sounds a bit complicated though and potential problems like an overcrowded house and the threat of a really high phone bill make this solution both improbable and unlikely.

Since hiring someone to be me doesn’t seem to be such a practical approach, I guess I’ll have to return to my original premise of simply getting paid for being me. It really does seem like the best solution for everyone involved. Now if I could just figure out where to send my invoice…