The Obligatory Spring Clean-up Column
With the arrival of spring, the annual spring yard clean-up seemed to be a good choice of topic for this week’s column. I’ll admit that for me writing about the clean-up is far preferable to the actual clean-up itself. Of course I’m only putting off the inevitable; the lawn elves I dream of every year will most likely not be making an appearance in my yard and eventually I’ll be out there myself picking up fallen branches, raking leftover leaves and so on.
My problem is that I’m simply not a lawn guy. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a good lawn. I would just prefer not to be the one creating and maintaining it. I somehow don’t have the time or the desire to obsess about my lawn the way others do. I call these people “lawn guys” and you might be one of them.
The obvious way to know if you’re a lawn guy is to simply look at your lawn. If it’s greener and better manicured than many golf courses you’re probably a lawn guy. Can you spot a weed from 100 yards away? If so, the chances are good you’re a lawn guy. Do you go into convulsions when a leaf lands innocently on your grass? Are you worried about the economy but even more concerned with crabgrass? These are more indications you’re a lawn guy.
A look through any garage or garden shed can also yield clues about lawn guy status. In addition to seeds, fertilizer and chemicals, a lawn guy will also have the very latest in lawn care devices. His shed will have mowers, trimmers, tillers, leaf blowers, and other loud devices all neatly arranged and ready for use. For a lawn guy, no expense and no amount of noise is too much in the quest for a perfect lawn.
While a lawn guy loves nothing more than caring for his lawn, talking about his lawn often runs a close second. Fluency in lawn talk is a prerequisite to being a good lawn guy. It’s not enough to know about the merits of Bermuda grass versus Kentucky blue grass. A true lawn guy knows all about what grows best in sun or in shade, is intimately aware of the nitrogen content of his soil, and can assemble a sprinkler system while blindfolded. What’s more, he’s happy to discuss all of this at parties. A lawn guy is never thrilled than when the talk of fertilizer is flowing like, well, fertilizer.
Lawn talk is never complete without bringing up the arch nemesis of lawn guys everywhere, the mole. Many a perfect lawn has been ruined by moles and every lawn guy has his own favorite method of ridding himself of the little beasts. I myself have even tried a few of these tricks but as I’m not a lawn guy they don’t seem to work as well for me. One friend stuck a garden hose into a mole tunnel, waited for the mole come out and bonked the emerging mole with a baseball bat. Unfortunately when I tried the same approach things did not go as smoothly. After inserting the hose into the tunnel and turning on the water full blast I found myself wondering if I’d be able to actually go through with the bonking. I needn’t have worried as despite what must have been thousands of gallons of water coursing through the tunnel, no mole ever appeared. No water came out anywhere either and I remain convinced that somewhere in Kansas a fountain erupted in someone’s yard that may or may not have contained a mole or two.
I’m sure my failure with the moles coupled with the large amounts of crabgrass and moss in my yard will forever keep me from being a member of the lawn guy club. It seems I’m doomed to write about lawns but not have the greenest one on the block. I’m okay with that. In fact, I’d write some more now but I need to go check for those lawn elves.
